Drama causes trauma. Our worst emotional wounds oftentimes are the result of a chaotic upbringing — which is why adults should learn how to discuss their disagreements without being combative.
Chronic stress releases a continual flow of cortisol in our bloodstream. This hormone is beneficial in a spur-of-the-moment crisis (think of a jolt of adrenaline to jar you into action), but prolonged exposure is detrimental to our physical, mental and emotional well-being. I encourage you to look further into the startling subject of the harmful effects of stress and cortisol and its links to fatigue, depression, cancer, high blood pressure and heart disease.
Having differences is a normal part of all relationships, but the vulnerable youth suffer when the adults are inconsiderate. We selfishly cause more damage to their psyche than we realize when we focus on fault finding, blame or neglect to rein in our tongue, temper, ego and pride in the midst of terrible arguments.
When it comes to settling our differences, we need to and we can set a better example for the next generation. It’s worth noting we can experience anger, but we should still maintain self-control and resolve our problems quickly, as Paul wrote in Eph 4:26-27 & :31-32, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil... 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.â€
Too often we confuse winning an argument with the real goal, like coming to a common understanding, together. We mistakenly think dominating the conversation, winning the case to “prove our point†is the primary objective.
Demonizing our partners or seeing them as adversaries and demoralizing them might put points on a scoreboard, but it doesn’t achieve success in what counts most. Our actual priority should be protecting the relationship, not being the one who is “right†all the time.
Hitting a pothole knocks our vehicle out of alignment. Relationships need to be realigned after a rough patch too, and it begins by appreciating our mutuality — 1st Cor 11:11, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman.†Respecting our interdependence is necessary for healthy marriages.
We have to be proactive to be productive. Until we admit to ourselves during the times of aggravation that “I might be wrong†or we both might be mistaken, then we will struggle to make any headway. But the effort is worthwhile because our children deserve strong families, stability, and a peaceful sense of security.
Sadly for too many marriages, our fighting shatters the security of the sweet wee little people we say we love, and they end up as collateral damage in our battles of will.
If as a couple you lecture more than you laugh together, scowl more than you smile, and you feel like you are on trial, please consider getting professional help. If you are less than satisfied, make it your mission to mend your miserable marriage. We owe it to the next generation to model healthy and happy homes.
Craig Cottongim is the minister at New Song Church in Kingsport. Email him at craigcottongim@gmail.com.
