Father’s Day on June 19, 2022, was the toughest Father’s Day in my life. It was preceded by the toughest day of my life 13 days earlier. My extraordinary son, Chris, who was 46 years old, passed away on June 6 of that year from a cardiac event. Over the years, I’ve been hit hard physically, playing sports, and emotionally in various ways, but the death of my son was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.
That morning, we talked about an exciting program on whole life that he had been developing and was being rolled out that night at the church where he served. We talked excitedly about our No. 1-ranked Vols baseball team. They were preparing to play Notre Dame in the Super Regionals, and we were confident they would win and advance to the College World Series (they didn’t).
Among my last words to Chris were, “Do we go to Omaha, where the series would be played?†His response was, “We’ve got to go!†The Vols didn’t make it, and even though we had done our annual sports trip for that year, I recall vividly the excitement we shared at that moment and the many moments when we planned to do things together.
Being the father of Chris and my daughter, Kelly, has brought many of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Words can’t express the joy they have brought me. Kelly, her husband, their children, their spouses, and my precious great-granddaughter continue to shower blessings into my life. Our family has made a difference in young people’s lives through a nonprofit organization in Chris’ honor, and this has been incredibly rewarding for this father.
If we examine the mythical traits of the mother and the father, we discover that the mother’s role is characterized by an intimate relationship with her children. Mothers give birth, then nurse and nurture their children, and typically maintain a very close emotional relationship with them.
Through the years, the father’s role has been stereotyped as one of power and authority. The father was to be the provider and protector. Often, the father was seen as emotionally detached. Big boys don’t cry.
My father and I were very close. I remember him working physically demanding 12-hour days and then coming home to shoot hoops in the backyard with me for at least 30 minutes. I had no idea at the time how tired he must have been, but he went the extra mile because of his love for me. Dad never told any of his children or grandchildren he loved us until he had open heart surgery at the age of 62. He had no role models for expressing those emotions.
Despite my father’s difficulty verbally expressing his feelings, he showed them in many ways. About 10 years after he told us he loved us, I was able to sit by his bed in a cardiac care unit and read a poem to him, and I’m not a poet, about how much I loved, respected and appreciated him as a father. He passed away and went to be with our Lord a few days later. I will forever be thankful I had the opportunity to let my father know how much I loved him.
Mother’s Day seems to get more attention than Father’s Day, which makes a lot of sense. A mother’s role in birthing and nurturing children, particularly as infants, is special and should be honored. However, our children benefit the most when a father and mother work together as partners.
Parents, both mothers and fathers, need to be involved in nurturing, providing for, protecting, supporting, encouraging, disciplining, guiding, teaching, and preparing our children to become healthy adults. Working together as partners to ensure all parenting responsibilities are fulfilled in our children’s lives is crucial. Mom was the better disciplinarian in our family, and Dad was the better playmate. But Mom played with us, and Dad was the disciplinarian at times. Parenting is a shared responsibility.
Unfortunately, fathers have often been absent, not only emotionally but physically. About one-fourth of all children will be raised in single-parent homes, and in only one-fourth of those homes is the father the primary caregiver. I believe that one of the most essential things in life is “showing up.†Fathers, we need to “show up†physically, emotionally and in every way for our children.
When I seek guidance on what to do or aspire to be in life, I look to Jesus’ words and actions. Although this standard is beyond my grasp, and I often fall short, I think I’m better off committing to this pursuit.
Jesus is my model for being a father. In John 10:30, Jesus says, “I and the Father are one.†So, despite never being an earthly father, Jesus lived his life as if He were the spiritual father of all of us. So, when He fed the hungry, He modeled the provision of His children’s needs. When He responded to the adulterous woman with grace, He was teaching us to bring out the best in our children. When He was patient with the tempestuous Peter, He was teaching us to have reasonable expectations of our children.
Fathers, let’s recognize the importance of our role and the incredible blessings it can bring. Let’s show up every day, even if the day is long. And let’s strive for a high standard of fatherhood. Being blessed to be Kelly and Chris’ father has been more than worth any sacrifices made.
Finally, almost every conversation with my son ended with us saying, “I love you.†You’ll never know the peace that brings me this Father’s Day. Dads, tell your children you love them today and every day.
Rick Toomey, Ed.D., is a former minister, counselor, organizational development consultant, assistant professor, and department chair for Organizational Development and Training at Tusculum University. You can email him at ortoomey@gmail.com.
